Muffin
by 0lizzybennet0
Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon get sent on a mission as a couple. A married couple. Someone is definitely not happy about this, the one who has to wear the dresses. Not slash
1. Chapter 1

**I had to write something light and silly while continuing Years Later or I'll get all depressed. I'm going to have to continue this story, it's too tempting! Obi-Wan is a little bit OOC, but I think it's understandable and I do actually think he could react like this some times. And in this Obi-Wan has been recently knighted and Qui-Gon is alive. If I owned Star Wars there is no way I'd have killed him, I'd have put Anakin's head on a spike and made the male Jedi uniform consist of only the leggings and boots. Except perhaps in the case of Yoda...**

'No. Absolutely and unequivocally no.'

'Knight Ken-'

'As in no. No, no no and no. No.'

'Knight Ji-'

'He says no too,' Obi-Wan stepped out in front of Qui-Gon. 'An enormous no on both parts.'

'Don't you think you are being a little bit immature about this, Kenobi?' Mace inquired acidly.

'With all due respect,' there wasn't an ounce of respect in his voice, 'why don't you take the mission?'

The assembled Council shuffled uncomfortably and there were several coughs. Mace fixed Obi-Wan with a level stare, brown eyes boring into him. 'What does Qui-Gon think about this?' Mace didn't shift his unblinking gaze.

'He thinks it's a. Very. Bad. Idea.' Obi-Wan snapped and narrowed his blue eyes further with each word.

'Actually,' Qui-Gon coughed diffidently from behind Obi-Wan, 'he doesn't thi-'

'_As I said,' _Obi-Wan overrode him with a dangerous edge in his voice, 'he thinks it most certainly won't succeed. And he thinks it's a most unfair way to treat a Jedi Knight. A _male_ Jedi knight. _Don't you Qui-Gon?' _That came from between gritted teeth, a barely concealed threat.

'Council,' Qui-Gon calmly stepped forward and stretched out one hand across the side of Obi-Wan's face, pushing him out of the way, 'we will accept this mission.' Obi-Wan made strangled noises from behind Qui-Gon's hand and his eyes bulged frantically.

SWSWSWSWSW

'I think you have entirely shocked the Council, Obi-Wan,' Qui-Gon strode down the Temple corridors, 'your perfect image has been shattered I'm afraid,' the corners of his mouth twitched in a concealed smile.

Obi-Wan didn't respond, only throwing Qui-Gon a dark stare with a sarcastic twist of his upper lip. Qui-Gon just looked amused.

'I've never seen you like this, this is definitely a different side to your personality my dear Obi-Wan.'

'Don't. Say. That. Word.' Obi-Wan spoke through clenched teeth, 'I'm _not_ your 'dear' and I will _never_ be your dear.'

'Why Obi-Wan!' Qui-Gon said airily, continuing to stride through the Temple, 'what a thing to say to your future husband.'

Several floors below Jedi raised their heads in curiousity as an echoing scream reverberated throughout the Temple.

SWSWSWSWSW

Obi-Wan swiped viciously at the air with his lightsabre. Already Temple gossip central had been informed of his outburst in front of the Council, wide eyed younglings had gazed in wonder at him as he stalked through the corridors, their hero taking on a slightly view in their minds now. Older padawans tried to conceal large grins and senior Jedi either tutted disapprovingly or grinned openly, depending on their age. His blue lightsabre cut a swinging arc as he stepped briskly around the training mat. Sweat beaded on his creased forehead and Obi-Wan worked off his annoyance.

'We're leaving later today.'

Obi-Wan pointedly ignored Qui-Gon.

'You know, I haven't seen you sulk since you were a tiny padawan,' Qui-Gon drew his own lightsabre with a loud whir and stepped forward. 'You're sensible enough to know why this mission has to go this way.'

'There is nothing,' a blue lightsabre was swept upwards to collide brightly with a green one, '_sensible_,' Obi-Wan jerked his arm stiffly and threw Qui-Gon's blade off, 'about this mission!'

'Really my little pouting padawan,' Qui-Gon had to quickly lift his arm to stop a vicious barrage of blows from Obi-Wan, 'there needs to be a couple for this mission, and we're the only available team at the moment.'

'You're not the one who has to be the _wife!_'

'You could be the man,' Obi-Wan's eyes lit up, 'and we could be gay,' Qui-Gon continued blandly.

'At least I won't have to wear a dress,' Obi-Wan muttered darkly. 'Why don't you be the wife?'

Qui-Gon lowered his lightsabre and fixed an amused look on Obi-Wan's murderous face. 'The 6ft bearded lady?'

Despite himself, Obi-Wan's face quivered briefly and his eyes twinkled briefly. 'I'm still not happy about this, and it's _your_ fault,' he muttered halfheartedly.

SWSWSWSWSW

Obi-Wan paced around the apartment, one hand raised to his mouth as he absently nibbled at his nails.

'You shouldn't do that you know, Lady Kenobi shouldn't have scraggy nails,' lowering his book Qui-Gon surveyed Obi-Wan.

'Yes, well Lady Kenobi shouldn't have stubble either but unfortunately she does,' Obi-Wan snapped back before sinking down onto the couch with an exasperated sigh. 'How's this going to work anyway? You dress me up as a nun?' There was a bite in his voice.

'No,' Qui-Gon laid aside his book carefully, 'you are a victim of a terrible fire and are very self conscious about your injuries, you wear gloves, a veil and long dresses.'

'Convenient,' Obi-Wan snorted.

'Here,' Qui-Gon bent briefly over the back of the couch, retrieving a large suitcase, 'your clothes,' he hefted the case onto Obi-Wan's lap.

With an air of doom, Obi-Wan cautiously opened the case and peered morbidly into it. 'No, you've got to be...surely not...no,' he winced and extracted a lacy velvet green item and lifted it to his cringing nose to give a brief sniff.

'It's the fashion on their planet,' Qui-Gon raised his book and retreated behind it, leaving Obi-Wan to strew items of clothing across the couch.

'What. The. Force?' A flatly disbelieving voice interrupted his reading, 'you are joking. There is no way in the Galaxy, no bloody way.'

Lowering his book again Qui-Gon threw back his head and gave a rare howl of laughter.

'The lace,' Qui-Gon waved a finger at the offending item, 'it'll really, um,' he choked down a snort, 'it's very, um, very _you_.'

Obi-Wan fixed him with a disgusted gaze before slowly transferring it to the item dangling gingerly off his finger. 'And what precisely,' he said acidly, 'am I supposed to put in it?'

Qui-Gon curled over and roared with laughter, the look on his friend's face too much to bear. 'Socks?' He choked out before laughing deeply again.

Obi-Wan threw the bra at him.


	2. Go Obi Go Go

**Guess who puts on an appearance... the events on Naboo and Tatooine happened sort of but Qui-Gon survived because honetsly, who'd want to kill him off?...Again just ignore the age issues...**

'Where does this go?'

'You should have got changed before really, the ship is only a two person crew, there isn't much room.'

'And have walked through the Temple in a velvet green dress, complete with white gloves and a veil?' Obi-Wan crouched awkwardly in the cramped space, his head occasionally smacking into the ceiling.

'I'm just saying it might have been easier,' Qui-Gon winced as Obi-Wan hopped desperately on the spot, one leg suspended in the air as he struggled with a pair of navy stockings. 'There really-' Qui-Gon ducked, '-isn't the room for this.'

With a grunt, Obi-Wan yanked up the sockings, craning his head backwards to survey the effect. Lifting the hem of the dress he swivelled his woolly encased leg from side to side with a pained expression.

'I think I'm done,' with a longing gaze at his discared tunic and leggings, Obi-Wan rustled his way over to his seat, holding his long heavy dress up awkwardly.

Qui-Gon wordlessly held up a lacy red bra and swung it threateningly from his finger, one eyebrow raised. Obi-Wan groaned and covered his face with his hands.

'Forgotten something?'

Obi-Wan snatched it out of Qui-Gon hand and promptly kicked it under the control desk. Slouching down in his seat he stared mutinously ahead, arms folded defiantly across his chest, an odd contrast against the fememine looking lace and velvet that surrounded him. Qui-Gon stole a sideways glance at him, a muscle in Obi-Wan's jaw twitched. His face worked briefly as he fought for control, then with a pained groan he broke into a reluctant chuckle.

'It's for the good of the galaxy, Obi-Wan,' Qui-Gon said mildly.

'Shutup,' Obi-Wan's voice was muffled as he fished a hand around under the desk. 'Got it,' he straightened with a red face, his hair falling over into his eyes and mouth curled in distaste. With a small shuffle Obi-Wan turned to face away from Qui-Gon and fumbled with the back zip.

With a studious expression, Qui-Gon kept his eyes firmly ahead into space. Unable to resist, he threw a side glance at the struggling form next to him. His moustache twitched and lines crinkled around his blue eyes.

'Would you like some help?' Qui-Gon was unable to keep the amusement from his voice, he lent over and did up the clasp. 'You know all my instincts are telling me I should be undoing one of these, not doing it up.'

There was an almost shocked pause, 'and you said _I_ have hidden sides to my personality.'

Qui-Gon chuckled, 'don't forget these,' he handed two pieces of foam over Obi-Wan's shoulder. There was a pause before a gloved hand came up and reluctantly snatched them. Qui-Gon could see the tips of Obi-Wan's ears slowly turning pink..

SWSWSWSWSW

'So, what's my name going to be?' Obi-Wan kept his arms folded tightly across his chest.

With a jerk of head, Qui-Gon indicated the mission notes.

'I'm...' Obi-Wan scanned the page, 'Lady Violet Kenobi, oh,' he looked up with a grimace at Qui-Gon, 'Violet? Really,' he shook his head and turned his attention back to the page. 'Been married to you for 20 years, poor me, age...45, 45! I'm old!' Obi-Wan looked disgruntled.

'Less of the old, thank you.'

'I have a distinctive rasping whisper, remind me again why you married me? My interests include...sport, oh that's not too bad, waait, sport aerobics, knitting? Qui-Gon, I don't knit,' Obi-Wan stated flatly, 'nor do I,' he glanced down at the paper again, ' "enjoy cake decorating".'

'You need to have quiet activities that keep you inside,' Qui-Gon explained calmly, 'we need you to get in the Ruler's wives' confidence.'

Obi-Wan's expression darkened, 'wives?'

'Wives,' Qui-Gon repeated calmly.

'As in brooding old toothless crones?'

A deep burst of laughter escaped Qui-Gon before he controlled himself again, 'that is not a very charitable view for a Jedi, Obi-Wan.'

'Hmph,' Obi-Wan irritably flicked his blonde wig out of his eyes. 'Hang on Qui-Gon,' a dangerous edge crept into his voice, 'what's this?' He was forcedly calm.

With a creak Qui-Gon leant over to glance over Obi-Wan's shoulder, 'ah.'

'Ah,' Obi-Wan repeated dangerously, a hard glint in his eyes, 'I have a son?' That came from between gritted teeth.

'Oh, did I mention Anakin will be joining us?'

Somewhere up in space a small ship gave a violent swerve.

'ANAKIN?' Obi-Wan leaped to his feet with a roar. His head collided with a loud smack against the low ceiling, clutching his head he shuffled towards Qui-Gon. 'He's my _son?_'

'A family presents a better image,' Qui-Gon said serenely

'_MY PADAWAN!'_ Obi-Wan took a wild lunge at Qui-Gon, catching his foot in the dress's hem. There was a loud rip and Obi-Wan went down in a velvet green heap.

SWSWSWSWSW

'Take my arm,' Qui-Gon instructed in a low voice.

Obi-Wan reached out and gripped the offered arm tightly.

'I didn't mean tear it off my body.'

Obi-Wan loosened his grip slightly.

'Lord and Lady Kenobi!' A richly dressed dignatry rushed forward across the landing platform.

'Your name is Kenobi?' Obi-Wan muttered in Qui-Gon's ear.

'So glad you've arrived, the journey went well I trust?' He rushed on without waiting for a reply, 'My name is Lord Matthews, I,' he placed a hand over his heart with a little simper, 'shall be your guide!' The small man bowed and beamed importantly. 'I believe, My Lady, that your son is waiting for your inside. If you'll allow me to say, you look most beautiful today My Lady,' Matthews gave another little bow.

Underneath his heavy veil Obi-Wan cringed.

'If you'd take us to our son we would be most grateful,' Qui-Gon steered Obi-Wan after Matthews.

'Mother!' A young man leaped out of his seat in the hall and rushed forward. 'So good to see you, you look lovely,' Anakin grinned widely and pressed a kiss to the side of Obi-Wan green veil.

'Good to see you to, _darling son,_' Obi-Wan rasped deeply.

Anakin bit his lip and tried to conceal a laugh at his master's voice. 'Father,' he turned his attention to Qui-Gon, he was unable to continue and his voice shook with supressed mirth.

'Your son has been very anxious waiting for your arrival,' Lord Matthews stood off to the side with a smile.

'Very anxious,' Anakin repeated with an amused glance at Obi-Wan.

'Shall I, shall I show you your rooms?' With an outstretched arm, Lord Matthews led the way down a vast hallway. Anakin moved surreptiously to the other side of Obi-Wan and gripped his arm, Obi-Wan clomped ungracefully across the tiles.

'Elegant,' Anakin murmured in his ear while keeping a smile plastered on his face.

Obi-Wan developed a swish in his step and sashayed exaggeratedly out in front of them, swaying his hips from side to side. Both Jedi leaped forward and clamped his mincing arms to his side.

'Is everything alright?' Matthew looked behind him, eyebrows furrowed.

Anakin and Qui-Gon froze and gave large fake smiles, Anakin dug his elbow into Obi-Wan side. A loud shrill giggle issued from under the veil. Matthews bowed with a simper and continued on his walk.

'Remind me how long we are here for?' Obi-Wan muttered in a low voice.

'A month, dearest, a month.'

Obi-Wan tottered as his dress tangled around his feet, only a quick grasp at the elbows from his family stopped him falling. Obi-Wan muttered and hauled his dress up around his knees, displaying well-muscled legs. Anakin and Qui-Gon exchanged a glance as Obi-Wan stomped after Matthews.

'Your rooms are here, we hope you find them most comfortable for your stay, please,' Matthews bobbed his head politely,' enjoy.' With another bob he turned and left the three Jedi.

'Well,' Qui-Gon strode through the door, taking in the large spacious rooms and elaborate furnishings, 'we shall have a comfortable stay at least.'

'A stay that's going to last entirely too long' Obi-Wan pushed past and collapsed sideways onto the low couch. Immediately he pulled off his heels and massaged his feet with a grateful sigh. Sinking backwards he pulled of his veil and wig, revealing a blissful expression. 'Those shoes were incredibly painful.'

'Hey!' Anakin's voice called delightedly down the corridor, 'I get a king-size bed!'

'Hope I get one too,' Obi-Wan muttered, still absently rubbing his feet.

'You and Qui-Gon get one too!'

With a little groan Obi-Wan hauled up his dress again and shuffled hurriedly down the corridor, stockinged feet sliding along the polished floor.

'No no no, I do not,' Obi-Wan called back and held up a gloved finger for emphasis, 'share a bed with Qui-Gon. I have been strangled, dribbled on, snored at, and occasionally attacked by that man in his sleep.' He continued his fast small stepped totter down the hallway.

'Marriage is a trial, Mother,' Anakin intercepted the shuffling Jedi and slung an arm across Obi-Wan's shoulders, turning him away from the room. Obi-Wan's feet skidded out from under him and he flung a hand around Anakin's neck, a strangled choke protesting. 'Father,' Anakin yelled over his shoulder, 'some help please.'

'Is everything alright?' A brown head appeared around the main door, eyes taking in the three frozen figures.

Qui-Gon clamped Obi-Wan to his chest and wrapped his hands protectively around his bare head. Anakin surreptiously tugged down the hem of Obi-Wan's dress with his foot. The servant's eyes uncertainly glanced over them.

'She's a bit emotional over seeing her son again,' Qui-Gon said solomnly.

Obi-Wan gave a muffled sniff against Qui-Gon's tunic. The servant's face relaxed into an indulgent smile, 'shall I bring any calming salts?'

'That might be best,' with another serious nod, Qui-Gon carefully stepped around until Obi-Wan was no longer in the view of the door. A small creak told them the servant had gone. With a sigh of relief Qui-Gon released Obi-Wan.

'A month,' Obi-Wan tugged uncomfortably at the ruffled neck of his dress and shuffled away.

SWSWSWSWSW

'Good, now walk back towards Anakin.'

With a small totter Obi-Wan delicately placed one heeled foot in front of the other. His eyes were fixed determindly ahead, his feet clicking against the floor. One foot wobbled momentarily before being placed hastily forward, Obi-Wan's foot slipping slightly in the stiletto shoe.

'I think it's getting better, Mother,' Anakin stood at the other end of the hallway, his arms outstretched to meet Obi-Wan.

'Will you please desist from that name?' Obi-Wan replied irritably without raising his eyes.

'What name, Mummy?' Was the innocent answer.

Qui-Gon stepped between the two Jedi, quickly holding an arm out for his wife. Obi-Wan looped his arm over Qui-Gon's and stepped elegantly forward with a haughty tilt of his head. 'Can't we leave the son with a nanny?'

'Unfortunately no.'

'We should have drowned him at birth.'

The couple walked slowly down the corridor, their son trailing behind. Anakin hummed lightly.

'Anakin,' Obi-Wan turned and pointed one gloved finger threateningly.

The noise stopped for one a moment, then started again.

Under his veil Obi-Wan frowned.

'...With your cherry lips and golden curls...' Anakin started singing softly, a sparkle in his eyes, 'You could make grown men gasp when you'd go walking past them...'

There was an onmious click as Obi-Wan's heels halted sharply, his covered face slowly revolving to stare at his padawan. Anakin skipped backwards with an impudent grin, 'In your hot pants and high heels!'

'Anakin!' Gloved hands made a grab for the singing padawan.

'They could not believe-' Anakin jogged backwards, arms dramatically outstretched as though he was serenading Obi-Wan, grinning widely. The small Jedi master took slow measured steps towards Anakin. '-that such a body was for real!' As Obi-Wan lunged forwards Anakin laughed and turned around, running loudly across the tiles while bellowing the song out.

'IT SEEMED LIKE RAINBOWS WOULD APPEAR-' several servants stopped in their tracks and watched open mouthed as a young man sprinted passed singing, while a richly dressed hoarsely yelling lady pounded while after him.

'WHENEVER YOU CAME NEAR THE CLOUDS WOULD DISAPPEAR-' the upperclass lady bunched her skirts around her hips and stretched out her stride, the heeled shoes clattering around her ankles were held to her bare feet by their straps. If the servants had looked closely they might have noticed that the lady's legs were extremely muscled.

'BECAUSE YOU LOOKED JUST LIKE A GIRL!' Servants later swore that they heard a strange deep, drawn out yell as the lady launched herself into mid-air, twisting in slow motion as she fell onto the young man's back.

**The song is Cherry Lips by Garbage. Go Obi go go! **

**Yes, poor Obi-Wan is slightly out of character...but let's give the poor guy some space, he's having a few issues at the moment. He'll settle down soon.**


	3. Nice legs?

**And what time of the year is it?...HOLIDAYS! FREEDOM! PEACE!**

**Which means I actually have time to spare now. Also the Torchwood plot bunnies have escaped from their cages and gone a bit feral, so I'm not spending quite as much time on Star Wars as before. Ewan McGregor has had to take a slight backseat to the gorgeous John Barrowman :D**

As Anakin hobbled off clutching his ribs, Obi-Wan dipped his head politely at the wide-eyed watching servant.

'Sons,' Obi-Wan trilled with a flip of his wrist before clomping after Anakin.

SWSWSW

'You brought it on yourself,' Qui-Gon smirked as Anakin held an ice-pack to his side. Obi-Wan sat in the corner refusing to speak to either of them.

'And it was so worth it,' Anakin grinned as Obi-Wan turned the page of his book with un-necessary force, 'the look on the servant's face as he thundered past with that green dress.'

There was a loud snap as Obi-Wan closed his book and stalked past the smirking pair, 'You need to work on your falling technique, Padawan,' he said acidly, 'here, this book might help.' Anakin yelped as Obi-Wan pressed the book into his chest.

'Your Master was always good at holding grudges,' Qui-Gon said placidly as the back door slammed. He winced as the door was flung open again and a stiletto shoe flew at him, 'and at taking revenge.'

'I didn't expect him to be so, well,' Anakin paused and struggled diplomatically, 'stroppy?'

Qui-Gon settled down comfortably next to Anakin, 'Oh, never underestimate Obi-Wan's power of dramatics.'

'He's always so quiet and calm.'

Qui-Gon chuckled, 'the secret drama queen.'

'Queen,' Anakin snorted and then gasped and clutched at his ribs.

'He was also excellent at fighting,' Qui-Gon added blandly.

SWSWSW

Qui-Gon stopped outside the bedroom door and frowned. He leaned closer to the door as a strange thudding noise drifted through.

'Obi-Wan,' he called, 'is everything alright?' He cautiously opened the door.

Obi-Wan lifted his flushed face and pushed his hair out of his eyes while pointing at the mound of pillows down the centre of the bed.

'This is my side,' he pointed at the left, 'and that is yours,' he pointed firmly at the right, 'and that is no-mans-land,' he gestured at the wall of pillows.

'Oh, really, I'm not _that_ bad!' Qui-Gon protested indignantly.

Obi-Wan snorted ungraciously and climbed into his side of the bed. Qui-Gon sighed and settled himself down on the other side as his 'wife' pointedly turned his back towards him.

'Goodnight, dearest.'

A hand came across no-mans-land to shove him viciously in the shoulder.

SWSWSW

'Aww,' a sugary voice came from the door as Obi-Wan slitted one eye open, 'how sweet.'

Obi-Wan opened the other eye and squinted across the room, Anakin stood grinning in the doorway, Obi-Wan glared blearily at him before looking sideways. Qui-Gon lay sprawled on his back with an arm and a leg flung on the pillow boundary, his mouth gaping open and snoring loudly.

'What a romantic sight,' Anakin clasped his hands together with a mock romantic sigh.

'Go away, Anakin,' Obi-Wan muttered into his pillow, 'I've suffered enough.'

'Oh, what a thing to say, Mummy,' Obi-Wan could hear Anakin's voice drawing closer. Obi-Wan pulled the doona higher over his head and flopped a hand over towards Qui-Gon's snorting form.

'Go annoy him,' he muttered thickly.

Anakin beamed and clambered onto the bed, sitting carefully on the pillows above Qui-Gon. He leaned carefully over Qui-Gon's head until his eyes were inches away from Qui-Gon's.

'Morning, Dad!' He bellowed cheerfully.

Qui-Gon slept on.

'Da-ad,' Anakin patted Qui-Gon's cheek.

Qui-Gon's mouth gaped open even further and he drew a long snorting breath.

'Woooooooo-eeeeeee,' with a high pitched squeal, Anakin flicked a finger across Qui-Gon's nose.

'S'not gonna wake'im up,' Obi-Wan rolled over with a heavy sigh and watched through half open eyes.

'How do you wake him up?!'

'Urrr,' Obi-Wan propped himself up on one elbow with a groan, 'like this,' he yawned widely before reaching over a tugging lightly on a strand of Qui-Gon's hair. The older Jedi's eyes snapped out immediately. Obi-Wan flopped backwards and pulled the doona over his head again. 'He loves his hair,' Obi-Wan's voice drifted through the pillow.

SWSWSW

Obi-Wan pulled the floral dress over his head and pulled the thick grey stockings up. He stared at the high shoes in distaste and looked longingly at the cupboard where his leather Jedi boots were stored. With one last proper look at his reflection in the mirror he flipped the veil over his suffering expression.

'Ready?' Qui-Gon called through the door. Obi-Wan came walking solemnly out of the room, hands clasped together and head bowed under the veil.

'I am ready for my fate.'

Qui-Gon held out an arm for his wife, 'Anakin's coming with us today.'

'I am not ready for my fate,' Obi-Wan tried to walk back through the door.

'Here I am!' Anakin announced cheerfully, linking his arm through Obi-Wan's, 'so, Mummy, what are we doing today?'

'Dying a thousand painful deaths,' was his short response.

'Obi-Wan is meeting with the Wives, while we are to negotiate with The Ruler,' Qui-Gon translated.

SWSWSW

'Have you seen what they're done to the Inner Courtyard?'

'Oh yes! Those flowers are just _hideous!_'

'And that statue, it's just too much!'

Obi-Wan's expression was becoming more and more pained under the veil. The Wives sat in a circle, each occupied with something woolly.

'And what about you, Mrs Kenobi?' A Wife turned kindly towards him, 'what do you think of that garden?'

Recovering from the pain the word 'Mrs Kenobi' had inflicted, he lifted his head to find the rest of the Wives kindly smiling at him.

'Um,' he lowered his voice to a whisper, 'I think perhaps there are a few too many ferns.'

'Exactly!' The Wife turned around to look at the others triumphantly, 'I told you those shouldn't have been planted! But husbands never listen do they?' She turned back towards Obi-Wan.

'No,' Obi-Wan agreed, 'my husband once decided to turn our spare room into a greenhouse, it didn't really work out.'

'Well, they never think things through properly, do they?'

'Yes,' Obi-Wan began to warm to the subject, 'and then the heating stopped working and wouldn't turn off, so the entire apartment was unlivable for several days.'

The group laughed, 'And then they tell you to fix it! While they move onto their next project!'

A small smile reluctantly appeared on Obi-Wan's face, he looked around at the smiling faces of the Wives and remembered when Qui-Gon had in fact rescued the Temple's entire fern garden from a large storm. As a Padawan he was forced to sleep in the lounge-room as the smell of the fertilizer drove him from his room.

'Well, at least your husband is a very good-looking man,' a younger wife piped up, 'ours is a bit...'

'Ugly?' Another supplied helpfully.

'Yes,' she agreed, 'and Mr Kenobi is a handsome man indeed, if you don't mind us saying.'

'Bet he doesn't look to bad out of those robes,' the nearest wife, Marie, elbowed Obi-Wan in the ribs with a wink.

The side of Obi-Wan's face spasmed and he cringed away from the unwelcome image. 'I, um, well...' he choked out.

'Oh don't let them embarrass you, dear,' Rose patted his hand comfortingly.

'What?' The younger wife said defensively, 'have you seen his legs? And that chest? So tell us, Mrs Kenobi, does he sleep in clothes? Or...?' She raised one eyebrow.

Jedi control kept Obi-Wan from fleeing the room.

SWSWSW

'Violet, dear!' Qui-Gon came striding over, 'will you accompany me to dinner?'

The younger wife eyed him up, sighing heavily as Obi-Wan placed a gloved hand into his offered hand.

'Excuse us, ladies,' he bowed and placed a hand on Obi-Wan's back, steering him away.

'Get.your.hand.off.my.back,' Obi-Wan muttered from between gritted teeth.

'Yes, Anakin will be joining us for dinner,' Qui-Gon said loudly as they walked away from the group of Wives.

'Qui-Gon, husband dear, hand off my back before I bite you,' Obi-Wan said with forced cheer.

'Bad day?'

'You have no idea. So how was the negotiations?'

'Difficult, he's determined to continue the road through the other territory.'

They walked gracefully into the dinning room, a waiter hurrying over with a bow.

'Your seats, my Lord and my Lady, may I say how lovely you look tonight?'

'I'm wearing a flipping _veil_,' Obi-Wan muttered as the waiter left, 'how am I supposed to 'look lovely'?'

'It's your charming personality, dear,' Qui-Gon said urbanely as he pulled out Obi-Wan's chair for him.

'I need to go for a run tomorrow, I need my training or your wife is going to be asking your 'if she looks fat in this?',' Obi-Wan said dryly.

Qui-Gon smiled, 'Maybe we can find a place away from the palace.'

'Thanks, now,' Obi-Wan leaned forward and lowered his voice, 'how exactly am I supposed to eat in a veil?'

'Well, can you sort of lift it up with one hand?'

'Like this?' The Lady created a tent and shovelled the food into his mouth.

'Well,' Qui-Gon winced, 'I was thinking something more graceful, but I suppose that works.'

With a sudden gasp Obi-Wan spluttered and clawed at his face, inhaling part of the veil with his last mouthful. There was a loud cough and the veil and attached person slid under the table.

'Ob-Violet!' Qui-Gon dived under the table after his wife. He lifted the table cloth to find Obi-Wan in tears and his own ginger hair ruffled over his red face.

'Sssh!' He whispered frantically before dissolving back into silent laughter.

Qui-Gon bit down on his grin, 'Are you alright?' He whispered.

Obi-Wan motioned for Qui-Gon to go and grinned widely back while re-fastening his veil.

'She's alright!' Qui-Gon stood up and announced dramatically to the rest of the room.

SWSWSW

Qui-Gon pulled his shirt over his head and reached for his sleep shirt as Obi-Wan opened the door.

'Oh Force,' Obi-Wan protested vigorously and looked away, 'I can't do this, I've been scarred.' He disappeared back through the door.

'Obi-Wan?' Qui-Gon followed him puzzled into the lounge room, 'what are you doing?' He watched curiously as Obi-Wan piled blankets on the couch.

Obi-Wan turned around, 'Oh Force, Qui-Gon,' he winced and shielded his eyes, flapping one hand, 'for the love of all that is good, will you _please_ put a shirt on?'

'What?' With an injured note, Qui-Gon spread his arms and looked down at his chest.

'Just PUT A SHIRT ON!'

With a shake of his head his head, Qui-Gon turned and walked from the room.

'And put some longer pants on!' Obi-Wan's voice yelled after him.

Qui-Gon pushed Obi-Wan's pillow barrier out of the way and settled happily across the bed. With a sigh he buried his face into the pillow and shut his eyes.

'Qui-Gon!'

With a groan, Qui-Gon rolled over and opened his eyes, 'What?' He called back.

'Did you remember to lock the front door?'

Qui-Gon propped himself up on one elbow, 'Weren't you going to do that?'

'I _said_ before that you had the key!'

'I thought you had the key.'

'Qui-Gon! I told you to listen! Didn't you listen?'

'Yes but-'

'You weren't listening! I told you _twice_!'

Qui-Gon swung his legs out of the bed, 'I'm doing it.'

There was silence from the lounge-room.


	4. Through the window!

**I'm getting back into the whole swing of things with writing, although not long until I get packed off to music camp so byebye life and internet. Plus Torchwood 2 dvd comes out...I vill be veddy busy. And why I'm talking in a dracula accent I'm not sure...I shut up and write? I think so.**

**Oh, and please, someone recognise the TV show in here! It really is a bit Obi-Wanish.**

'I'm not going.'

'We have to, I managed to get you out of last nights'.'

'No.'

'This conversation is strangely familiar.'

'I'll break my leg.'

'I'll carry you.'

'I'm not going.'

'How about you get to go for a run if you agree to come tomorrow?'

SWSWSW

'That was cruel,' Obi-Wan said between breaths, 'you're a,' he panted, 'manipulative and dominating husband!'

'And you, my dear,' Qui-Gon ran beside him through the bushes, 'are a stubborn and unreasonable wife.'

Obi-Wan slowed to a halt in the bushes behind their apartment, cautiously peering through the leaves.

'All clear?' Qui-Gon stopped behind him, leaning over his shoulder to look.

Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose and looked sideways, 'Have you ever considered getting your hair cut?'

With a bemused look, Qui-Gon glanced at his hair before looking back at Obi-Wan. 'What's wrong with it?' He whispered back in an injured voice.

'It's a bit long, don't you think?' Obi-Wan tilted his head back slightly and lifted up a piece gingerly.

'Obi-Wan!' Qui-Gon lightly slapped his hand away, 'What's wrong with its length?'

'You're going...grey.'

'Grey?' The older Jedi hissed back indignantly, 'I'm not going _grey!'_

_'Oh, really?' _Obi-Wan reached over and sharply yanked out a strand of Qui-Gon's hair.

'Ow!' He hissed in protest, 'what-'

'See!' Obi-Wan cut him off and held the grey strand victoriously, 'Grey! I will not be married to someone with grey hair. Cradle-snatcher,' he added with a mock glare, 'have you considered hair dye?'

'Hair dye?' Qui-Gon spluttered indignantly while trying to snatch back the strand, 'I don't need to _dye_ my hair!'

'Oh _really?_' Obi-Wan raised one eyebrow and reached his hand over towards Qui-Gon's head again.

'Inside!' Qui-Gon ducked his head away and burst from the bushes. Obi-Wan glanced around before scurrying after him.

'Grey!' He hissed after him.

SWSWSW

Anakin lounged on the rug flicking through the various channels on the screen. A picture of two tortoises walking slowly across the ground was playing, accompanied by a very annoying song.

'What are you watching?' Obi-Wan dropped cross-legged to the ground beside Anakin.

'Just an old show, the main character reminds me of you.'

A loud exclamation of 'I don't belive it!' came from the speakers.

'I am sensing that was not a compliment, my young padawan.'

'You doubt me, mother dearest?'

'I know you, _sonny boy_.'

Anakin made a soft 'rwwr' cat fight noise.

'Anyway, rehearsals for tonight. What are you to talk about?'

Anakin rolled onto his back and recited, 'I will talk about our charming family life, our love for peace while dropping oh so subtle hints about our enormous influence over the other Lords. And you?'

'I?' Obi-Wan placed one hand delicately over his heart and stood up proudly, 'I am to befriend the knitting fiends, I am refined, I am meek and loyal, I am devoted to my husband, I am a spineless drip with no personality and no capability for independent thought.' He tilted his chin with mock pride at the ceiling, 'I am a cross-dressing Jedi fighter with a fetish for flowery dresses.'

'Oh, oh,' an emotional deep voice came from behind them, 'that's my darling wife.'

Obi-Wan looked sideways at him, Qui-Gon jerked his head significantly towards the door, Obi-Wan's eyes widened in understanding.

'So how was today, dear?' He rasped, loud enough to be heard outside.

'Oh, you know, boring politics, you wouldn't be interested, dear. How was your day?'

I,' Obi-Wan pulled a pained face, almost forcing the word out, 'knitted you that lovely new pattern.'

'Oh, and it looks wonderful, you are very gifted.'

'It's all your help, dear.'

The two Jedi stood at opposite ends of the room, each wearing an amused expession with cross arms.

'He gone yet?' Obi-Wan mouthed silently.

Qui-Gon listened, then shook his head.

'Aw, Mother, Father! Don't do that in front of me! That's just gross, I'm _scarred_!' Anakin exclaimed loudly, grinning at the looks on both older Jedi's faces.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and reluctantly gave a shrill giggle.

'Well he's certainly gone now,' Qui-Gon stepped away from the door. 'Come for a walk with me?'

Obi-Wan looked down at his normal clothes and sighed, 'Give me a minute to make myself beautiful.'

'Don't worry, Mummy, you look gorgeous already,' Anakin grinned.

Obi-Wan threw a cushion at him on his way out.

'Qui-Gon!' A voice called several seconds later from the bedroom, 'have you seen what happened to my petticoat?'

Anakin gave Qui-Gon an exaggerated wink.

A few minutes later Obi-Wan came rustling back into the room, one arm held out for Qui-Gon. As the pair headed towards the door, Obi-Wan's long dress caught briefly on the table, displaying a quick flash of a pair of Jedi boots under the dress.

SWSWSW

Obi-Wan sat slumped with a book on the couch as Anakin absently wandered in.

'Don't leave your boots on the carpet,' Obi-Wan said absently as Anakin made to drop them, 'and don't roll your eyes at me,' he calmly turned the page.

Anakin settled himself into the opposite couch and pulled out his latest gadget.

'Ah,' Obi-Wan looked up as the door opened, 'the esteemed husband returns from a long day at work. Made any progress?'

'Some,' Qui-Gon threw himself down next to Obi-Wan.

'Any chance of getting me out of that dress?'

Anakin gave a loud burst of laughter, he quickly looked up at Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's confused faces, 'Sorry,' he bit down his grin and looked back down.

'Did you-?' Obi-Wan gestured towards Anakin.

Qui-Gon shrugged, 'Kids.'

Obi-Wan yawned idly and rubbed a hand over his stubble.

'Lord and Lady Kenobi?' A knock on the door shattered the lazy calm.

'I forgot!' Qui-Gon jumped to his feet, 'I said we'd meet them!'

'Meet who?' Obi-Wan whispered fiercely back, searching hurriedly under the cushions for his veil, 'and how could you _forget_? You never remember! You never tell me anything!'

'I'll let them in,' Anakin started for the door.

'No!' Obi-Wan caught hold of his arm, gesturing with the other at his running clothes, 'I don't have time to change!'

'Go hide in the bedroom!'

'Hel-lo?' A voice trilled as the sound of the door opening drifted down.

The three stood frozen in horror.

'Quick!' Anakin shoved his Master towards the back door, 'go round!'

Two brown heads appeared around the corner with identical wide smiles, 'Why hello, Lord Kenobi! And you son, delightful!'

'Wonderful to see you too,' Qui-Gon stepped forward smoothly to shake hands, 'please,' he gestured towards the couch, 'be seated. Anakin, will you make us some tea?'

Anakin recovered and bowed briefly and disappeared to the kitchen. He opened the cupboard and pulled down the cups, heading towards the tap for water.

'Anakin,' a strained voice hissed from the window, 'Anakin!'

'Master!' Anakin hurriedly darted to the window, a familiar ginger head poked through with two hands clutching tightly at the window sill. 'Hey, how did you get there?' Anakin peered curiously down passed his Master's dangling legs to the ground below, 'you know that's actually quite a drop down.'

'I am _well_ aware of that fact, thank you,' Obi-Wan said from between gritted teeth, his shoulders straining as he pulled himself higher. 'If you could-?' He jerked his head towards the window opener.

'Oh, right!' Anakin quickly wound it further open as his red faced Master clutched at the ledge, his ginger hair flopping over his face with every breath. 'Here,' Anakin held out a hand.

Obi-Wan grunted his thanks and clasped Anakin's hand. As he did his weight slipped backwards, one hand holding fumbling desperately along the edge. There was an almost comic look of horror on Obi-Wan's usually collected face as he realised he was slowly sliding backwards. 'Oh _shi_-'

'Oh CR-,' Anakin leaped forward as his Master disappeared with a look of stunned surprise.

There was a loud thud outside followed by pained groan. A cloud of dust slowly rose up to the window.

'Father,' Anakin walked stiffly out into the lounge room, eyes fixed widely, 'A little word?'

SWSWSW

Qui-Gon swore and withdrew his head from out the window. A figure lay still on the ground below.

'I'm going down,' he whispered determinedly, shedding his outer large vest and shoes. 'Give me your hands.'

'Yeah, well,' Anakin muttered, 'that's where we sort of went wrong last time.'

'Hands!' Qui-Gon insisted urgently, clambering up onto the bench and back out the window.

Anakin looked nervously out the window as Qui-Gon half slid, half climbed down the wall, dropping the last 2 metres to the ground and dropping to his knees beside Obi-Wan.

'Is everything alright?' A light voice asked next to Anakin, 'what's happening? Oh! Dear!' Mrs Gill delicately craned her neck out the window too, 'Is that young man hurt?'

'Ahh,' Anakin faltered frantically, 'I'm not sure,' his voice rose up in a tentative question.

SWSWSW

'Obi-Wan,' Qui-Gon whispered urgently, gently touching his friends shoulder.

Obi-Wan blinked slowly and opened his light blue eyes, 'And I couldn't even use the Force to help, I hate this mission,' he whispered back with a small amount of his usual bite.

Qui-Gon relaxed slightly in relief, 'Are you alright?'

'I'm thinking no.'

'Dignity or physical?'

'Actually, the stone was quite sharp,' Obi-Wan winced as he glanced down at his stomach.

Qui-Gon looked down and immediately looked up at his friend's pale face, without speaking he looped his arms under his neck and knees, carefully lifting him up.

'How romantic,' Obi-Wan said drily.

'Says the man who tried to climb through the window.'

'Do I get points for creativity?'

'For the falling back out part, yes maybe, that was rather unique,' Qui-Gon said lightly as he walked towards the Hospital wing, however he couldn't help glancing down again.

'It's not that bad,' Obi-Wan said quietly, following Qui-Gon's gaze.

'Uncle!' A ringing shout came from behind them as Anakin came hurtling around the corner. 'Are you alright? Is he alright?'

'I'm fine,' Obi-Wan said with a bite of irritation, however he gave a small smile at Anakin.

'Is your brother alright?' Mr and Mrs Gill came anxiously after Anakin.

Qui-Gon looked sideways at Anakin before replying soothingly.

SWSWSW

'So Obi-Wan is my brother?' Qui-Gon broke the silence as the two of them waited.

'My uncle, it was the best I could come up with on the spot,' Anakin said, 'he turned up unexpectedly, tried to climb through the window to surprise us and fell.'

'Well done,' Qui-Gon said unexpectedly, 'I think that's the best way to go.'

The two of them sprang to their feet was Obi-Wan was wheeled back through the doors, wearing a very disgruntled expression. Qui-Gon almost laughed at the look of pure irritation on his face.

'Five stitches. Five!'

**This has taken a slightly angsty turn is because my resident motivational muses have abandoned me. Actually they are glaring at me through the door with big brown eyes, looking incredibly betrayed. I took them to the vet AND gave them a bath. All in one day. I'm getting the cold doggie shoulder. Also I'm watching Cyberwoman. Yes, I bawl when the half-metal-all-insane-killing-machine dies. Someone give Ianto a hug! Anyway, before this turns into a hysterical sobbing rant...Now there's an 'uncle' to manage as well.**

**The show is One Foot in the Grave. **

**EXTRA NOTE: My spell checker has gone to the Great Spell Checker Heaven and abandoned me in my hour of need. I'll repost this later on when I convince it to come back to life, so bear with my...unique...spelling.**


	5. Is it some sort of animal?

**Not long until exams! -moans piteously- And then I'm off to Germany! ...which means I won't be updating for quite a while...so I'm posting posting posting now!**

'This is _good_.'

'...How much painkiller did they give him?'

'No, no, really, what am I wearing?'

'...a blue smock with your backside hanging out?'

'Ah! But there is no lace is there? No gloves, no stockings and no frilly underpants.'

'Frilly underpants might be welcome right now though.'

'Don't be ridiculous, I'm sat down.'

'Thank the Force.'

'Oh just push the wheelchair, Padawan!'

SWSWSW

'So I'm your brother now?' Obi-Wan lounged on the couch in normal clothes.

'Yes, brother and wife.'

Obi-Wan blinked.

'Separately,' Qui-Gon added.

'Split personalities,' Anakin called as he walked through the door.

'Oh wonderful,' Obi-Wan said sarcastically, lifting the ice-pack off his head, 'you _had_ to say I was Qui-Gon's brother?'

'Well, you were being carried down the corridor,' Anakin handed Obi-Wan a glass of water, 'I had to think fast.'

'Always a struggle for you,' Obi-Wan muttered into his drink, 'Hm?' He looked up innocently at Anakin, 'what? Anyway, can't you have just said I was a local? Then I'd conveniently disappear?'

'Well for one, you were clung to his neck like a limpet and being carried bridal style throughout the palace.'

'I was not _clung_ to his neck, I do not _cling_,' Obi-Wan said irritably, 'I could hardly have been slung over his shoulder.'

Qui-Gon coughed diffidently, '_he's_ still here.'

'Besides,' Anakin carried on, 'Qui-Gon's face looked like a boy with a dead pet mouse, _you_ try explaining that on the spot!'

'Thank you for comparing me to a dead mouse,' Obi-Wan said drily, while smiling briefly at Qui-Gon.

'All in all, I think I did a pretty good job!'

Obi-Wan raised his glass in mock salute to Anakin, 'To the discovery of your new uncle, an excellent and intelligent man.'

'A modest man,' Qui-Gon said quietly with a small smile.

**1:43pm**

'That is not a word.'

'Ahaha! It is _so_ a word.'

'_"so _a word"? And since when have you started using "_so_"?'

'Since I became young and cool, and it's a word.'

'I have years more knowledge than you, my young Padawan.'

'Many years...and Master, holding a tile to my throat is not really all that threatening.'

'Anakin, it's not a word. And it's my turn now.'

'Is not!'

'It most certainly is!'

'Is not!'

'...is too! Oh, that feels very wrong saying that.'

'S'not!'

'Anakin!'

'What? Oh! Ha! I can spell that! Look! S-N-O-T! Ha!'

'I'm going to confiscate your tiles now.'

'Ah, ah,' Anakin batted Obi-Wan's hands away, 'that would be my point there! I believe I'm winning now.'

'Well you haven't seen my word yet, it's a masterpiece. "D-O-Z-Y"'

'That's not a real word!'

'The feeling of being half asleep or to be drowsy,' Obi-Wan neatly placed his tiles down and looked at Anakin with one raised eyebrow. 'I believe I've won.'

Anakin squinted at the board, glared at Obi-Wan, squinted back down at the board, peered at the tally sheet and grudgingly handed over the last piece of chocolate cake.

**2:15pm**

'On.'

'Onion.'

'Onomatopoeia.'

'Show-off, ok, you won that one. One more round. Umm...nautical.'

'Aluminium.'

'Umbrella.'

'Law.'

'Awful.'

'Ultimate.'

'Team.'

'Amaze.'

'Master! That's not fair!'

'Surrender so soon, padawan?'

'Zest!'

'Step.'

'Epiphany! Ha! I think I have that biscuit now,' Anakin reached out for the biscuit.

'Nymphomaniac,' Obi-Wan said calmly, snatching the biscuit and promptly eating it.

**3:47pm**

'I'm bored.'

'I know the feeling, padawan.'

'We've eaten all the food haven't we?'

'Yes.'

'Even that chocolate block Qui-Gon hid?'

'Yes, even that one, and I suggest you conveniently forget that.'

'Right, we never saw it.'

**3:59pm**

'And so the Lady said, "Stay back, brave knight,"' Anakin simpered, one hand resting in a poetic stance on his chest, '"for my husband will soon be home! You must flee! Flee the house! Flee the country!"' Anakin ripped the wig off and adopted a deep rasping voice, ''"No, good Lady, I can't leave you, how can I? After all we've shared!"'

Obi-Wan groaned and covered his eyes, 'Anakin, this is actually quite painful.'

'"DON'T LEAVE ME!"' Anakin dropped to his knees and pleaded at the ceiling, "I will come with you!"' Anakin straightened up and flopped backwards into the couch, 'Admit it, Master, it was entertaining,' he said in his normal voice to where Obi-Wan was sat watching.

'I liked the part where you mixed up the voices, and then stabbed the cushion with a soup ladle.'

'I told you Master, it was a work of art.'

**4:09**

'I still think he should be wearing the blue dress.'

'No, no no, the green brings out the orange in his face, and besides, I thought we'd decided he was a she?'

'Right, sorry, Rupert, wasn't it?'

'Rupertina.'

'Yes, her, well, I think she's about ready.'

Anakin stood back to observe. Rupertina's sock filled stocking legs hung limply down over the edge of the chair, her cushion face drooped backwards with a wonky mouth drawn in red lipstick and one of her stocking arms were slung around Obi-Wan's shoulder.

'I think she may need to reconsider her diet,' Obi-Wan poked Rupertina's stomach, where a couple of odd bulges of rolled shirts poked through the velvet dress.

'Master!' Anakin hissed and clamped his hands over Rupertina's shoe ears, 'you can't say that near her!'

**4:32**

'How long is it until you can move around again?'

'That would be the same answer I gave you 10 minutes ago, Anakin, in 3 days.'

**4:38**

'I suggest we meditate for a while, use this time wisely.'

**4:56**

'Do you feel any better now, Padawan?'

'Not particularly, no.'

'No, neither do I.'

**5:24**

'Go go go, Anakin!' Obi-Wan glanced down at the stopwatch, 'Keep going! Now FLIP! Come on, ten more seconds! Get to the door!'

Anakin slid past Obi-Wan on thick socks, arms wobbling and waving wildly as he shot down the polished floor corridor. With a loud smack he collided with the wall at the end.

'Well done!' Obi-Wan called from his chair at the other end, 'that was 3 flips and 4.6 seconds faster than last time!'

SWSWSW

'We have a problem,' Qui-Gon announced as he came through the front door.

'You don't say,' Anakin muttered.

The two Jedi were sprawled on the ground in front of the television, surrounded by wigs, dresses, scrabble tiles, pillows and mounds of food packets. Observing them on the couch through heavily mascara lined eyes was Rupertina.

'You two managed to keep yourself occupied today?' Qui-Gon picked his way through a stack of crumpled scrabble score sheets.

'We got by.'

'We've been invited to dinner tonight.'

'"We"?' Obi-Wan sat up with a rustle.

'You, my dear wife, and my charming son,' Qui-Gon waved a hand at the pile Anakin was lurking under.

'Wonderful,' Obi-Wan hauled himself to his feet with a pained wince, 'I gather the uncle gets to stay home and rest?'

'Yes, he's been excused.'

'I'm sure he appreciates that,' Obi-Wan walked stiffly towards the bedroom, a second later his voice called back, 'Anakin! Can you get the wig off Rupertina?'

SWSWSW

'You alright?' Qui-Gon held on firmly to Obi-Wan's arm, Anakin at the other as they walked slowly down the hall.

'I'll live.'

'Is he going to have to dance tonight?' Anakin asked over the top of Obi-Wan's head.

'Most likely.'

'Can this day get any better?' Obi-Wan tottered along.

'Does it help if I say you look stunning?'

'No, not really, no.'

SWSWSW

Qui-Gon reclined back on the couch, watching the dancers move past him on the floor. He could see Anakin grinning at a young lady as the pair swept by. A soft snore drew his attention sideways. Obi-Wan's head gradually slipped sideways until it landed limply on Qui-Gon's shoulder, he snuffled slightly and the snoring resumed. Qui-Gon felt his own eyes drooping.

'That really is such a wonderful picture,' Qui-Gon opened his eyes to find Mrs Gill beaming down at him. 'If you don't mind me saying, your wife beautiful hair. Such a lovely colour.'

Qui-Gon frowned slightly and glanced down, his eyes widened. Obi-Wan's veil and wig had slipped, revealing ginger hair and a rather unladylike neck. He carefully reached down to pull it back over, but Obi-Wan snorted unhappily in his sleep and shifted sideways. Mrs Gill smiled indulgently. Qui-Gon tensed as the veil slipped further, showing the edge of his chin. Qui-Gon hoped fervently that Obi-Wan had continued shaving.

'It's been a bit of a long day,' Qui-Gon explained lightly as he shifted again.

'Poor thing, she looks exhausted,'' Mrs Gill sympathised.

The veil moved again, part of Obi-Wan's cheek appeared. Qui-Gon hurriedly lifted a hand and pulled the veil over as Obi-Wan frowned and batted his hand away. As Obi-Wan turned and buried his head in his friends shoulder the material fell completely off.

'Oh, dear,' Mrs Gill bent and retrieved the bundle.

Obi-Wan snorted again and moved his face. Qui-Gon placed a large hand over his face and shoved it into the fabric of his shirt.

'I'll be right back,' Mrs Gill whispered and disappeared for drinks.

'Obi-Wan,' Qui-Gon muttered, shaking him urgently. Obi-Wan stirred, then tried to jerk his head back violently as he woke up. '_Don't_ move.'

'Where's my wig?' Obi-Wan's voice was muffled.

'In the clutches of Mrs Gill.'

There was a slight pause, 'Get me out.'

'Trying.'

'Try a bit harder, husband.'

'Ok, you're going to have to trust me.'

Obi-Wan was suddenly hoisted into the air, he kept his face hidden as Qui-Gon carried him quickly through the crowds.

'We out yet?'

'Go back to sleep,' Qui-Gon muttered while smiled falsely at a dancing couple. 'Stay calm, but we're being followed.'

'Who?'

'Gill.'

'Where are we?'

'Just outside the door.'

'How far away is she?'

'Coming.'

'Put me down.'

Qui-Gon didn't question, just set Obi-Wan down quickly.

'Help!' Obi-Wan hissed urgently, yanking his dress over his head.

Qui-Gon caught hold of his hand and pulled a glove off as Obi-Wan bent and kicked off his shoes.

'She's coming.'

Obi-Wan nodded as he ripped of his stocking socks and threw them into the corner.

'You're wearing pants under that petticoat?'

Obi-Wan just shot him a hurried look of disdain while pushing in off to reveal normal trousers.

'Mr Kenobi!' Mrs Gill bore down on him with a smile, 'You ran off on me! Tut tut! Ah, this would be your brother,' she held out a hand to Obi-Wan, 'I can see the family resemblance.'

Obi-Wan exchanged a sideways glance with his long chestnut haired, tall, older, different featured 'brother'.

'He's my older brother,' Obi-Wan smiled easily, calmly smoothing down his shirt.

The taller Jedi stood back and looked between the pile of clothes in the corner and his barefoot brother.

'What's that in the corner? Is it an animal?' Mrs Gill peered curiously.

**For anyone who has seen Torchwood...appreciate the amount of self-control I had to exercise to write about Obi-Wan and a _stopwatch_ -cracks up and collapses again- **

**Took me forever to write, kept looking at it and...and...**

**hahahahahaha**


	6. Your partner?

**Hi kids, d'ja miss me? (shamelessly steals TW line) **

**Germany was the best amazing awesome trip ever! Loved it! Ever get the chance to go on an exchange, GO!!**

**Anyway, back to writing again! 6 weeks was a long time! It's a bit of a short filler this chap.**

'Oh, that looks like something the cleaners may have left behind,' Obi-Wan shuffled slightly in bare feet.

Mrs Gill tutted and moved to pick it up. Qui-Gon dug his fingers into Obi-Wan's elbow.

'I kn-ow,' Obi-Wan muttered edgily in a high pitched whisper.

'It looks-' Mrs Gill frowned and held up the clothes, 'it looks like a-' the wig fell out.

The three people watched with wide-eyes as the wig flopped limply to the floor.

'-A costume,' Mrs Gill finished.

Qui-Gon sighed, 'It does indeed.'

Mrs Gill turned with narrowed eyes towards Obi-Wan, 'He's not your brother.'

'It does seem that way doesn't it.'

Mrs Gill looked around the deserted corridor before inching closer, 'He was dressing up in _women's clothing?_' she hissed and shook the dress for emphasis.

'He does that.'

'I do not!' Obi-Wan stepped out form behind Qui-Gon, 'And this was hardly _my_ idea! Who said this was a bad idea right from the start, hm?'

'Hmmm,' Qui-Gon smiled falsely through gritted teeth, 'not helping.'

'_You,' _Obi-Wan stabbed Qui-Gon in the chest with a finger, 'were the one that said it would work. From now on we listen to _my_ ideas.'

'As I recall your last idea ended with my eyebrows being singed off.'

'Yes because you just _had_ to go and sniff that flower, didn't you?'

'Because you were the one that said it reminded you of the flowers at the Temple.'

'But I wasn't telling you to go ahead and sniff it, was I?! It was bright red with yellow spots, that does not promote sniffing!'

There was a silence, the two Jedi slowly turned to find Mrs Gill staring at them.

'He's your partner?' She asked tentatively.

'Not,' Obi-Wan leant forward briefly to assure her, 'my idea.'

'And you're dressed as a women?' Mrs Gill's voice rose steadily higher.

'Also not my idea.'

'Oh,' her voice was a squeak, 'so do you often, well, dress as a woman?'

'If the situation requires, in some circumstances it's easier than saying I'm a brother or nephew. Wasn't my idea, I hate it. He loves it, finds it hysterical.'

Mrs Gill swallowed, 'So how long have you two been, together?'

'Oh,' Obi-Wan turned to Qui-Gon, 'how long's it been? About 10 years?'

'Yes, I'd say about 10 years. It's been an interesting few years.

'He won't admit how dull his life before me.'

'Peaceful, the correct word would be peaceful.'

'Well,' Mrs Gill quickly pressed the clothes into Obi-Wan's arms, 'these are yours. Of course I won't tell anyone anything.'

'Thank you,' Obi-Wan said, 'some people aren't as understanding. They would want to know what we're doing here, if it's official.'

'No, no,' she assured him hastily, 'that is your private business. I wouldn't dream of prying. Your, well, your orientation is _entirely_ your business. I'll just be off,' Mrs Gill turned and walked hurriedly down the corridor.

'She just said orientation, didn't she,' Obi-Wan stated, standing still with his arms piled with clothes. Both Jedi watched as the woman clicked hastily down the hall in her heels. Obi-Wan bit his lip, 'That wasn't about us being Jedi, was it?'

'No,' Qui-Gon said in resignation, 'no that wasn't. Although it did divert a potentially dangerous situation. And she won't be asking questions.'

They both stood still.

'Well,' Obi-Wan shouldered the clothes, 'let's go and get the Son.'

'You're taking it rather well.'

'I'm thinking.'

'I thought I recognised that pained expression.'

'You've become progressively ruder over theses last few days.'

'Well,' Qui-Gon picked up the heels from the floor, 'the decision concerning the Trade Routes and that damned road is going to be announced soon, and it looks favourable. We will be able return home after that.'

'Oh thank the Force, I don't want to see you again for at least a month.'

Qui-Gon surveyed his friend, 'You've enjoyed this, haven't you?'

Obi-Wan hesitated, then smirked, 'I have. I will deny this, but I have. Really Qui-Gon, did you see the look on her face?' He laughed loudly. 'Oh,' he winced a pressed a hand against his side.

'Here,' Qui-Gon lifted the clothes out of his arms, 'I'll take these.'

'Thanks,' Obi-Wan's voice was muffled as the material covered his head.

'One minute,' Qui-Gon pulled at it, 'it's stuck,' he tugged harder.

'Ow,' Obi-Wan said flatly as his head was yanked sideways.

'Nearly off.'

'It's stuck in my hair.'

There was a pause.

'I can't get it out,' Qui-Gon admitted.

'Oh for the love of-' Obi-Wan dropped the rest of the clothes and seized the material. After a minute of tugging he stopped. 'How did it get buttoned under my chin?' He asked flatly.

'I don't know, can you see?'

'No,' Obi-Wan sounded less than amused.

'Wait, I will go and see if there's anyone coming down the corridor,' Qui-Gon faded as he left.

Obi-Wan stood with crossed arms in the middle of the hall, half smothered with cloth wrapped around his head.

'Hello,' Qui-Gon's voice sounded loudly in the corridor, Obi-Wan tensed.

'My wife?' Obi-Wan heard him say, 'Yes, she is coming soon. I lost her in the dance, you know how they are, darting off to talk!' The sound of laughter came from ahead.

Obi-Wan quietly began a shuffle sideways, hands stretched out in front.

'Are you going back to the dance now?' Qui-Gon's voice sounded slightly strained.

Obi-Wan sped up his shuffle, swinging his arms out in front as he stumbled across the room. With a soft smack he collided with the wall, he staggered around the other way, swearing into the cloth. As the voices came closer he broke into a run and wove blindly across the floor. With a slightly more cautious step he moved sideways and groped along for the wall, reaching the wall he slid along while fumbling with the buttons under his chin. With a curse he smacked into large marble statue, recalling the statues in this hall he was momentarily glad to be unable to see exactly what he'd crashed into.

'Are you alright?'

'What do you think?' Obi-Wan immediately snapped, there was a laugh in response and he suddenly froze.

'Sorry, here, let me help you,' the voice drew closer and something tugged at his chin before the cloth fell of.

Obi-Wan found himself staring directly into wide pretty blue eyes framed by dark sooty eyelashes.

'You're Ani's uncle aren't you?' The young lady said in surprise, dimples appearing as she smiled and stepped back. Obi-Wan couldn't help smiling back, then with a start glanced anxiously down the corridor, he could hear Qui-Gon's voice coming. He looked with a torn expression between the lady and the end of the hall, he could see Qui-Gon's shadow appearing.

'Sorry,' he said hurriedly, then leaned forward and kissed the lady quickly before snatching the cloth and bolting, just as Qui-Gon came around the corner.

'Jane!' Qui-Gon's companion called amiably, 'you're not at the dance?'

'No,' she replied looking slightly flustered.

'Who was that just then?'

'No one,' Jane said promptly.

SW

'Very clever,' Qui-Gon announced as he came into the empty room.

'Did it work?' Obi-Wan stepped out from behind a bookcase.

'Did what work?' Anakin looked curiously at them both.

'Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, your master, mother and uncle, seducer of innocent damsels,' Qui-Gon gave a rare smirk, 'love 'em and leave 'em.'

Obi-Wan looked remarkably composed, 'I was pressed for time.'

'Oh I'm not questioning it's effectiveness,' Qui-Gon bit down on his grin.

'I gather it worked?'

'Yeeep,' Qui-Gon drew it out.

'I couldn't have her mentioning meeting me, it'd spread and cause talk.'

'Yes, yes of course,' the older Jedi nodded understandingly, pressing his mouth firmly shut.

'It wasn't a bad plan,' an edge of defensiveness crept into Obi-Wan's voice.

'Masterful.'

'I even picked up the dress,' Obi-Wan held it up as evidence.

'Well done.'

The two Jedi stared at each other.

'You did what?' Anakin finally burst out.

Qui-Gon let out a roar of laughter before holding up one hand to Obi-Wan. 'Sorry,' he choked out, with effort he brought himself under control again. 'Sorry,' he repeated in a normal voice.

Obi-Wan stared frostily at him then swept out of the room.

'What did he do?' Anakin implored.

'How about we go back to the dance?'

'Teeeell meeeeeee,' Anakin pleaded as the walked through the hall.

'Are you making up for lost years of teenage annoyance?'

'Yes,' Anakin replied promptly.

'I don't supp-oh,' Qui-Gon halted as Mrs Gill came out the door from the dance hall.

'Oh,' she squeaked, her eyes ran over Anakin.

Qui-Gon followed her gaze, 'He's adopted,' he said quietly.

'Hm? Really? Well, I'm, um, back in there,' she turned awkwardly and went back inside.

'Explain,' Anakin said dangerously.

'Force, you sound like Obi-Wan,' Qui-Gon walked into the hall, noticing Mrs Gill whispering to her friends as he passed.

SW

'Bad news,' Qui-Gon dropped into the couch next to Obi-Wan, 'Mrs Gill loves a good gossip.'

Obi-Wan sat up, 'How good?'

'Very good,' Anakin said.

'He knows?' Obi-Wan jerked his head towards Anakin.

'Yes, _he_ found out from Raych who heard from someone else who heard from someone else,' Anakin said immediately, 'You really know how to cause a stir, don't you two? Everyone's talking.'

Obi-Wan paused briefly, 'This is a real-' Qui-Gon clamped a hand over his mouth, '-up, isn't it?'

**Believe me, getting things stuck over your head like that is entirely possible. And trying to get it off while your friends are rolling on the floor laughing doesn't make it any easier.**


	7. Of the Silver Spoon

**Man I love you guys, that's why I'm sat at my computer when it's AGH 44 DEGREES!!! And someone needs to tell school that ONE measly fan in the senior college building is NOT air-conditioning.**

'What are you doing?' Anakin asked curiously.

'Nothing,' Obi-Wan said quickly, sitting on something.

Anakin slowly walked closer, 'If I didn't know better, I'd have said you were dar-' he trailed off as Obi-Wan leapt upright with a pained cry. 'Darning,' Anakin finished slowly as Obi-Wan rubbed frantically at his backside and craned his head backwards. Anakin paused, 'You sat on the needle, didn't you?'

Obi-Wan's silence said everything. Anakin howled and collapsed into the couch.

'Anakin!' Obi-Wan said firmly, 'As your master I am _ordering you to get that needle out!'_

Anakin firmly bit back on his laughter and extended a shaking hand towards the needle, then he erupted into a loud snort. 'Sorry,' he whispered between gasps, 'I can't. I just can't,' he trailed off into a choked wheeze.

Obi-Wan stared steadily at Anakin. 'Padawan. Son. Remove the needle.'

'Family disagreement?' Qui-Gon said mildly, his eyes dropped down, 'Looks painful. Let me,' with a quick move, he yanked the needle out. Obi-Wan pointedly ignored Qui-Gon and walked stiffly back to the couch, 'Thank you for your _help_, Anakin.'

Anakin wordlessly held up a dress with its hem half-stitched. Obi-Wan snatched it back and looked around with great dignity, 'I was letting down the hem so it will cover my boots.'

SW

'He's ignoring me, isn't he?' Qui-Gon sat on the tiles in the kitchen.

'I think laughing at him may not have been the wisest,' Anakin said carefully, 'Ice-cream?' Anakin offered him the tub.

'Thanks,' Qui-Gon shovelled a scoop into his mouth, 'You gotta amit, it wath pwetty amoosing.'

'Yeah, I also recommend keeping that thought to yourself.'

'I did manage to keep a straight face at the whole, you know,' Qui-Gon waved the ice-cream tub around vaguely, 'sewing...thing.'

Anakin looked sideways at the older Jedi as he chewed happily on the ice-cream. 'You're drunk, aren't you?'

'Shouldn't say that to a senior Jedi. And yeeeeep.'

'Obi-Wan's going to kill you, you do know that?'

'Yep...wait, why's he going to kill me?'

'...because you had a little bit too much to drink,' Anakin said very slowly.

'Ah, drink. Yes, considered rude to refuse at the, the thing that I was at, you know, that thing.'

'The meeting.'

'Yes, the meeting. Why are you repeating what I'm saying?'

Anakin let it pass. 'It's considered rude to refuse?' He prompted.

'Yes, rude. Don't think I've ever drunk so much. Don't feel so good.'

'Can you walk?'

'Yes! Don't be insulting, of course I can walk! Look at me!'

With a sideways stare Anakin looked into the insistent eyes of Qui-Gon, seated firmly on the kitchen tiles. 'Riiight, yes, you're doing wonderfully.'

Qui-Gon beamed, then his eyes glazed over and he slumped down.

'Awww sh-'

SW

'Anakin! I hope you're going to bed! Important day tomorrow!' Obi-Wan called from the lounge-room.

'Yes, Mummy!' Anakin said from between gritted teeth, his arms hooked under Qui-Gon's shoulders as he tried to drag him across the kitchen.

'Don't be rude. Have you seen Qui-Gon?'

Anakin looked down into the gaping mouth of the unconscious Jedi. 'Nope! Haven't seen him anywhere!' Qui-Gon's ankles bounced along the floorboards in the hall as Anakin increased his speed and hauled him through the bedroom door. With a heave Anakin shoved him face first onto the bed and walked back to Obi-Wan.

'Found him, he's fallen asleep on the bed. Looks totally exhausted, goodnight!'

'Night.'

SW

'Wake up,' Anakin muttered and slapped Qui-Gon's cheeks, 'Come ooon,' he tugged at Qui-Gon's hair. The Jedi's bloodshot eyes popped open immediately.

'Oh Force,' he moaned and squinted, 'go away. Let me die. The Force can claim me. I'm ready.'

'Shut up!' Anakin hissed, 'Get up!'

'Keep dreaming, very young padawan.'

Anakin lowered his face level with Qui-Gon's, 'You wake Obi-Wan up and you're going to wish you _had_ died.'

'Don't want to know,' Qui-Gon pulled the pillow weakly over his head.

'Your fault then!'

SW

'QUI-GON JINN! YOU SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL!'

Anakin slowly lowered his book in the lounge room.

'Oh, you want to SLEEP, do you? Well! Don't let ME disturb you, you sleep off your hangover, no don't you feel guilty, you just lie there like a dead bantha and reek. That's fine.' Obi-Wan stormed into the lounge-room, Qui-Gon trailing after him.

'I'm not hungover,' Qui-Gon rasped and squinted through puffy red eyes.

'No, no of course you aren't, why ever would I think of that?' With a fierce snap Obi-Wan wrenched the kitchen door open. Qui-Gon stared at Anakin, then at Obi-Wan, then blinked and rubbed a hand across his face.

'What are you grinning at, boy?' Qui-Gon muttered with a hurt look.

'Nice mustache,' Anakin grinned widely.

The remaining colour slowly drained the Jedi's face as he tentatively felt across his face. A look of horror settled on his face as he frantically rubbed over his face. 'Ahhh,' he gave a high moan of pain and bolted.

A muffled laugh came from the kitchen and the door open to show Obi-Wan biting firmly on his lip. He caught Anakin's eye and let out a short burst of laughter.

'You cut it before you started yelling?'

Obi-Wan nodded mutely, his shoulder shaking. A disbelieving moan came from the bathroom and Obi-Wan silently slid down the wall with tears running down his face. There was a thud of feet on the floor and Qui-Gon's shocked face appeared around the corner.

'Mmmh?!' Qui-Gon gestured at his face with wide eyes, he looked at both faces then let out a muffled whimper and run back.

Obi-Wan howled.

SW

Eventually, wearing a deeply wounded expression, Qui-Gon walked regally out of the bathroom. The other two Jedi studiously kept their eyes down as he swept past, Obi-Wan's mouth twitched slightly. With a loud sigh Qui-Gon sat on the couch and turned the screen on, casting a hard glare sideways at Obi-Wan.

'I'm sorry,' Obi-Wan apologised with a straight face.

'No you're not.'

'No, really I am,' the laughter trembled in Obi-Wan's voice, 'look what we made.' Anakin and Obi-Wan lifted their arms to show black armbands. They had a little picture of a mustache draw on. With an icily offended expression, Qui-Gon rose to his feet and swept out of the room. The other two cackled.

SW

'It's not going to wo-rk,' Anakin warned in a singsong voice.

'Oh yes it i-is.'

'You're going to be two people at once? That's going to work...how exactly?'

'Easy,' Obi-Wan said as he flipped his wig on.

'The Lord's not going to listen to what he believes to be an undercover gay couple,' Anakin caught Obi-Wan's glare, 'same sex couple. Who are in fact Jedi.'

Obi-Wan continued to glare through his wig, 'It's going to work, my young Padawan,' there was a dangerous edge to his voice. 'We've been planning this for the last week, this is the final meeting and we're going to be subtle, efficient, focused and persuasive.'

'Yes, Mummy.'

Obi-Wan hiked up his dress and strapped his lightsabre to his stocking covered leg.

'I believe Daddy is sulking outside.'

'I'll go get him in,' Obi-Wan brushed back his wig.

'And you plan on doing that how?'

'Why Anakin! You underestimate the charms of a wife!' He stepped daintily down the corridor with a hip-dislocating sway. 'Qui-Gon!' Obi-Wan yanked open the door and bawled through, 'Get in here now or we're going to be late!'

Qui-Gon strode through the door with a dark glare, Obi-Wan clasped his hands his hands in front of him and tilted his head prettily on the side. Qui-Gon rolled his eyes and planted a loud kiss on the side of Obi-Wan's veil. 'Horror,' he muttered with a small smile.

'Oh! Studmuffin! Not in front of the children!'

'Come here, Brat,' Qui-Gon slung his arm around Obi-Wan and Anakin's shoulders and walked out of the apartment with them.

SW

The three of them were very conscious of the stares and whispers that followed them through the hall. A muscle twitched in Qui-Gon's jaw as they walked past Mrs Gill. Obi-Wan dug his fingers into Qui-Gon's arm. Through his veil they locked eyes.

'And the tumbleweed rolls past,' Anakin said quietly with a straight face.

'Can't we dispose of her?' Obi-Wan muttered.

'Glad to see your Jedi training was not wasted,' Qui-Gon said dryly.

Over the music they heard a loud high pitched giggle and Qui-Gon clamped his hand over Obi-Wan's on his elbow before he could react. 'Pretend it's not happening. Look,' he gestured towards the high table, 'that's where the Lords are meeting for the last discussion. Behave.'

'Oh Force,' Obi-Wan glanced sideways, 'the Gill is following us.'

'No scene before the meeting starts. Dance.' Qui-Gon pulled Obi-Wan's into a waltz. The pair moved further away across the floor, closer to the high table.

'She still following?'

Qui-Gon ducked under the arm of another women, 'Ahhh, yes.'

'Can you still see her?' Obi-Wan muttered in Qui-Gon's ear as they swept past another couple.

'Blue dress, over by the tables.'

'I see her, set Anakin on her.'

The pair waltzed rapidly across to Anakin.

'Get her,' Obi-Wan whispered as the danced past. They watched as Anakin walked across and bowed gracefully, one arm already looped through Mrs Gill's as he chatted lightly. Mrs Gill looked slightly flustered as Anakin led her out the doors.

'Excuse me,' a younger lady came up to them, 'I was wondering if I might have a word with your brother?'

'Of course,' Qui-Gon bowed, 'I'll just go and find him.'

They walked arm in arm out the door.

'And so it starts,' Obi-Wan said through a face of cloth as he pulled the dress over his head, 'everything in order?' He looked over his clothes and stuffed the dress and others behind a statue.

'You look charming, now go.'

Obi-Wan nodded and walked in search of the young lady, Qui-Gon headed for the Lords.

'Milady,' Obi-Wan bowed elegantly over the lady's hand.

'Is it true?' The lady said eagerly.

'Is what true?' Obi-Wan played innocent.

'You know,' she said with a significant eyebrow raise, 'Lord and _Lady_ Kenobi.'

'Ah,' Obi-Wan assumed a distant expression, 'that tragic event. The, _fire,_ left Lady Kenobi terribly, well, how to say it, _changed_. It was a most horrific time, and now the poor Lady being mistaken for a man. She's being so brave coming out today, these rumors have hurt her quite deeply. Now, if you'll excuse me,' Obi-Wan bowed with a sad look and wandered thoughtfully away.

'Are you really Lord Kenobi's _brother_?' An older women appeared at Obi-Wan's side.

'Why, of course,' Obi-Wan said indignantly and walked off haughtily.

'May we speak with Lady Kenobi?' A group of women asked tentatively.

'I will find her for you, excuse me.' Obi-Wan ducked out the door and slipped behind the large statue. He quickly wrenched the dress over his head and jammed the wig and veil on.

**3 changes later**

'How's it going, _darling?_' Obi-Wan rasped into Anakin's ear.

'Due to my overwhelming charm, I believe most of them believe our new story,' Anakin led Obi-Wan to the dance floor, 'they're feeling rather guilty.'

'You make them sound like a group of children,' Obi-Wan scanned the room for Qui-Gon.

'They aren't very subtle are they? Of course, we're never going to convince The Gill, but I've spoken to some of the Wives and I think we'll survive the day without being mobbed.'

'This is complex, isn't it?' Obi-Wan still looked rather flustered after his last speed change.

'All we need to do is act normal while Qui-Gon sits in on the meeting.'

'Yes, I know,' Obi-Wan snapped.

'That time of the month, mother?' Anakin grinned before disappearing into the crowd.

**5 changes later**

'Are you really Lord Kenobi's _wife_?' A younger women was pushed forward by her group to ask.

Obi-Wan stared at her then gave a loud sob and turned away.

**7 changes later**

Obi-Wan extracted himself from the clutches of the Wives and leaned against the food table, biting savagely on a bread roll shoved up his veil. He received several strange looks from surrounding people at the chomping and chewing noises issuing from his under veil. A strange noise from under the table cloth made him glance quickly around the room before bending down. Obi-Wan stuck his head under the cloth and looking straight into the wide eyes of a young boy. The boy looked from Obi-Wan's head to where his dress had ridden up slightly, muscled calves showing through. Obi-Wan quietly held a finger to his mouth and tugged his dress down, the boy nodded silently and Obi-Wan dropped the table cloth.

'Everything alright, _Lady_ Kenobi?' A superior voice asked. Obi-Wan straightened and looked into her disdainful expression.

'Perfectly fine, darling' he replied in his normal voice. Sweeping regally away he left the women looking slightly stunned.

**5 more bread rolls later**

Qui-Gon came out of the meeting room with a harried expression.

'Is it over?' Anakin asked immediately.

Qui-Gon shook his head, 'Five minute break, it's not looking all that promising. How's Obi-Wan doing?'

'He's-' Anakin struggled for words, '-blending in,' he concluded unconvincingly.

They both looked over to where a sullen figure was slumped against the food table, it's dark veil moving as it bit peevishly at something.

'He's not doing so well, is he?'

'No,' Anakin said immediately, 'not at all.'

Qui-Gon tilted his head curiously to the side as Obi-Wan looked quickly around then backed around the table. 'What's he doing?' Both Jedi watched as Obi-Wan dropped to his knees and crawled under the table. They were both silent for several seconds.

'Go fish him out, will you?'

**9 changes later**

Obi-Wan kept an eye on the empty high table while being swept around the dance floor by a portly grinning man. He realised the man had been speaking to him and gave a high pitched giggle. The man seemed flattered and embarked on another long story. Obi-Wan quickly lost focus. He focused hurriedly again as the man's hand at his back started to slide. With a strangled yelp Obi-Wan sprang away, leaving a very shocked man behind.

'Everything alright?' Anakin caught his elbow as Obi-Wan tried to dart past.

'That's the second time!'

'Was he questioning our story?'

'Well he bloody well is now!' Obi-Wan was uncharacteristically irritated and dived through the crowds.

**A ladder in the stocking, stubbed toe, one strangling by wig, an inhalation of veil and a lopsided piece of foam later**

Obi-Wan pushed through the crowd as Qui-Gon and the Lords came into the hall. 'Well?' He asked impatiently.

Qui-Gon's face was set, 'He's refusing my advice now, and has decided to go ahead with the road.'

'That's it,' Obi-Wan's voice grew, 'that's _IT_!' Several heads turned. 'The _idiot_! Where is he? Let me speak to him!' Obi-Wan pushed past Qui-Gon towards the Leader.

'Ob-Violet!' Qui-Gon tried to quickly pull him back, 'I don't,' he ducked under a drinks tray, 'I don't believe this is the best approach!' Obi-Wan ignored him and stormed ahead, the Leader turned with a surprised expression as the angry man approached him.

'Right!' Obi-Wan growled between gritted teeth, 'You!' He grabbed the Leader by the collar and yanked his face inches from his veil, 'I think we need to have a little _chat,_ don't you? There's a few things around here that aren't going quite so well and I have not been wearing A TIGHT, RIDICULOUS DRESS FOR WEEKS FOR NOTHING! The entire room was now silent. Qui-Gon buried his face in his hand.

'Now,' Obi-Wan said conversationally, 'we're going to have that meeting again, and the outcome is going to a lot more favourable.' With that he shoved the Leader back into his seat.

'I-' The Leader started to protest angrily.

'NO ARGUMENTS!' Obi-Wan roared and snatched a soup spoon from the table, he waved it threateningly at the other Lords and they slowly sank down into their seats. 'Now that I have your attention,' he inclined his head politely, 'about this road you're planning to build, don't. It will cause too big a hassle and even your guards,' Obi-Wan reached behind and smacked a guard on the head with his spoon without stopping, 'will not be able to deal with the hordes of extremely irate villagers that are going to pour into your city. Your going to make many enemies, the road will not be success for travel unless you plan to patrol it day and night and cut down any trees in the vicinity. Unlikely. Your guards are rather poxy. Now, yes,' Obi-Wan pointed the spoon at the Leader, 'a question?'

'Who do you think you are?' The Leader tried to regain some dignity.

'Oh, Force,' Qui-Gon muttered in the crowd.

Obi-Wan climbed slowly onto the top of the table and bent his veiled face level with the Leader's. 'I'm trying to save your skin you idiot,' he said through gritted teeth, he ripped his veil off while keeping eye-contact, 'and you're making me very unhappy.'

'Exactly what sort of movies did Obi-Wan watch as a Padawan?' Anakin stared at his master.

'You're a man!' The Leader said in surprise.

'Well spotted,' Obi-Wan said acidly, his veil hanging in taggers around his face, 'Any other brilliant observations you'd like to make? No? Good. Now that we've established that, can we move on? Wonderful. I believe that document requires your signature and seal, be good and sign it will you?' Obi-Wan stood with his spoon held at the ready as the Leader shot him a cautious look and placed his pen to the paper, he hesitated before writing. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and rapped him smartly over the head with his silver spoon. The Leader winced and quickly signed.

'Brilliant. Thank you for you wise decision,' Obi-Wan hopped off the table and walked towards Qui-Gon and Anakin, 'That was easy. It just needed the right approach. We can go home now.'

There was a stunned silence, then the room burst into applause.

**Coruscant**

'So it was a successful mission?' Mace leaned forward in his chair in the Council room.

'Perfectly, we achieved our mission objective,' Qui-Gon said smoothly.

'Right,' Mace looked down a datapad, 'just one last thing, can you perhaps explain how we have a request for an Obi-Wan Kenobi of the Silver Spoon to become Planetary Chief?'

**It's done! Thank you to all my reviewers! I swear the Star Wars reviewers are the best of all the categories! Hope it wasn't too mad a story! Any questions just ask, or if you're thinking WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED TO...??!!**


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